


shift

by ebocoe



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Introspection, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-19
Updated: 2014-06-19
Packaged: 2018-02-05 06:28:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1808692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebocoe/pseuds/ebocoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>feliciano doesn't need to eat. </p><p>(rewritten 2.24.17)</p>
            </blockquote>





	shift

**Author's Note:**

> if you or someone you know is suffering from any disordered eating please seek help anywhere you can find it

_ sometimes when he closes his eyes, he’s drowning. _

 

_ sinking that much further whenever he manages to struggle upwards. _

 

_ the sea becomes the sky and the sky becomes the sea and he doesn’t know where the water began, or if it even began at all. _

 

_ the water fills his mouth. _

 

-

 

He opens his eyes.

 

Ludwig is sitting by his side, stroking his hair. His face is soft, his hands are softer.

 

“Have a good nap?”

 

Feliciano hums, stretches, closes his eyes.

 

“I made dinner. Got room for wine tonight?”

 

_ m’nt hngry _

 

Ludwig chuckles, kisses his forehead.

 

“Go back to sleep.”

 

He doesn’t.

 

-

 

he doesn’t dream of his metaphorical sea, but he would if he could.

 

some nights aren’t bad at all, when his dreams are bright and happy, filled with sunny days and memories of Venice. In fact, some nights are good, where he and Ludwig fall into bed late at night and whisper-giggle in the dark, falling asleep kissing.

 

some are horrifyingly, sickeningly bad.  those nights it’s dark, and he almost knows he's dreaming but he can't pull himself awake, and the dream is so vivid it's paralyzing. it's dark. it's too dark, and no one is there. where is there?  he hears the screaming first, and then sees the rain. The rain turns into blood and he can't breathe, the air won’t fit into his lungs and there's no room to scream or cry or 

 

the blood covers his hands, seeps into his eyes.

 

-

 

He wakes up and finds Ludwig making coffee downstairs. He wonders, on mornings after Those Nights, if Ludwig would keep making two mugs if Feliciano were gone. 

 

-

 

( _ he waits for ludwig to leave for work before reading the calorie count on the coffee can, the sugar bag, the creamer. he knows the numbers, but he needs to be sure. he must be sure. _ )

 

-

 

he likes to imagine his ocean when he eats. it’s easier than looking at the food he’s ingesting, easier not to think of it as numbers.

 

coffee tastes worse the second time, looks worse in the toilet than in a cup.

 

( _ looks better than on his hips _ ) 

 

-

 

When Ludwig finds out, the first thing they do is fight. (how long has this been going on? _ I don’t know.  _ why are you doing this? _ I don’t know.) _

 

Ludwig cries, he yells, he begs.

 

Feliciano can’t explain

 

The ocean doesn’t come.

 

-

 

they sleep separately that night.

 

-

 

Ludwig holds his hand as he walks into the therapist’s office.

 

_ I’m sorry for all this. _

 

Ludwig tightens his hand. Feliciano still shakes.

 

-

 

He tells the therapist everything.

 

( _ not everything. _ )

 

He does not learn his name.

 

He does not want to.

 

He talks about his mom, and about Ludwig, and about his dogs, and about  _ hello, I’m Feliciano, we spoke on the phone.  _

 

Nothing feels different.

 

-

 

_ he closes his eyes that night and the ocean is everything. he tries to breathe, but his lungs are not working. _

 

_ the ocean floor is below, covered in darkness. _

 

_ treasure must be buried there. _

 

-

 

The first time Feliciano tries to eat a full meal, he vomits  _ without _ meaning to. Ludwig pushes back his hair, rubs his back, whispers and wills himself not to cry.

 

_ (your stomach isn’t big enough to eat so much yet. baby steps, remember?) _

 

Feliciano remembers. He remembers all the  _ no, i’m not hungry, sorry _ ’s and the  _ i ate while you were gone _ ’s and just wants to take it back. He wants to take it all back.

 

-

 

Briefly, he considers suicide. Its well past 2 am, and sleep has not been a friend to him. His mind flashes to the gun in the safe in the basement, before Ludwig snorts in his sleep, and Feliciano wants to wake him up and apologize for thinking about it. 

 

He falls asleep when he hears the first birds outside.

 

-

 

By summer, Feliciano’s Italian blood is practically  _ screaming _ to go to the beach. So they do.

 

Feliciano swims, and Ludwig tries to swim, and Feliciano laughs at Ludwig trying to swim, and Ludwig splashes Feliciano for laughing at him trying to swim.

 

The sun is warm, the sand is warm, and Feliciano has never been hungrier in his life.

 

As people start trickling out of the beach, they stay and watch the tide go out.

 

Something changes.

 

-

 

_ later, when he closes his eyes, he’s floating on top of the waters. _

 

_ his eyes are trained on the sky, and it’s the color of autumn. he turns, to watch the seafloor. _

 

_ his palms meet wet sand instead of empty saltwater. _

 

-

 

He wakes up and finds Ludwig making breakfast downstairs. 

 

“Hungry?”

 

_ Starving.  _

 

**Author's Note:**

> will i ever stop rewriting this one story


End file.
